i just wanna waste some time with you.

Today was... absolutely amazing. I think that I'm actually falling for him. And, to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. I feel like me with him. I can do anything, say anything. Be the absolute loser that I am, and he still just smiles at me like I'm the most special thing he's ever seen.

I hate to be cheesey, and I don't want to put more importance on this relationship than it deserves, but... he makes me feel whole, complete. And that's not something that I want to lose. It's been almost 4 months. And as hard as I fight it, I can't deny that some serious feelings are taking hold of me.

I'm really scared. So, so scared that I'm deluding myself. That this is nothing more than a summer fling to him, and that when I move we'll just lose touch. God. I don't even know what to do about next year. I don't even want to think about it, I just want to enjoy what we have.

As scary as it is, I'm in love with how I feel.

butterflies in my tummy!

i always get nervous when people come over to my house. or when i go over to people's houses. isn't that strange? it's like i have this crazy anxiety when i'm out of my comfort zone. and it's annoying. i mean, it's something that i'm really trying to get over. but it doesn't seem to go away. no matter what i do!
i'm frustrated with myself. why can't i be one of those people who can do whatever they want?? ugh, being shy is lame.

i guess i'll just have to grin and bear it.

this is a friend of mine and i after our final high school exam lest thursday. her name is dakota and she's kinda the bomb.

next year she's going to be moving to edmonton to go to concordia (which is a christian college/university type deal). it's pretty exciting because that means that i'm not going to be totally alone in edmonton. and it's actually perfect, because i am absolutely opposed to being one of those people who don't make any new friends because they are too attatched to their old ones and are never away from them. but at the same time, it'll be nice to have someone to talk to who already knows me - and she's a good friend, so it'll just be lovely to have her around.

anyways, the other night we went to see letters from juliet. and i really enjoyed it; it was quite touching and it was all about true love, awww. however, i really didn't enjoy some of the lines. they were all cheesey and ridiculous! at one point he said something like ' i am truly, madly and deeply in love with you'. is that not the most ridiculous thing that you've ever heard?! honestly, if someone said that to me i would probably be flattered, but i would also be a little frightened. (just kidding, i just don't think it would be very legit!) so anyways, thinking this brought me to a conclusion.

no longer do i believe that some pretty words and a nice kiss is real love.

that's not to say that i don't believe in love, or that i don't enjoy hearing those lovely words! i just think that love should be felt. i am a big fan of the little things - i think small snippets of time in which no declarations of love are made but instead two people genuinely enjoy each others company are the moments that should be cherished, and are the real declarations of true love.

i am absolutely a romantic at heart. i am so infatuated with the idea of being in love. i am kinda vain (which comes with being a romantic in my opinion). i get so lost inside my imagination sometimes that i don't realize what is going on; this can be a real downside to being a dreamer and a romantic becacuse sometimes i think that while i'm sitting alone thinking of what i want to happen, i'm missing out on moments that i would never dream of. i feel very intensely. i listen to my heart a lot of the time.

all these things could be taken as either negatives or positives, i'm not sure which. it really depends on the day.

the real reason that i'm bringing all of this up is because i feel as though i'm finally coming into my own skin. there are so many things that i don't have figured out yet, but i'm also discovering so many things about myself every day. i've become extremely introspective - nah, i've probably always been that way. regardless; i'm changing, a lot. but i'm also staying that same. and it's so absolutely wonderful to be able to look at yourself and not feel lost, but rather feel as though you know who that person staring back at you is.

life is beautiful, and i want to cherish every moment.

Why hello there.

I haven't posted for a few days because I've been too busy reading other people's blogs and being insanely jealous of their skills. A few in particular caught my eye. There are a group of them in London who are absolutley brilliant - their blogs kept me occupied for hours, when I really should have been studying instead.

These girls are sophisticated and poised, and their writing is succint and to the point. One in particular, Carrie from Wishwishwish, has a wonderful blog. It is all about fashion, and is it ever interesting. She hails from London, where she's taking Fashion Design in school. It's just all so glamourous to me! Her life seems perfect, and she seems much older than her 19 years.

Reading these blogs made me a little unsure of what the point of my blog really is. I mean.. I don't have a theme, other than writing about my life. I became a little insecure; many of the words written here are just random musings that come from my brain, with very little censoring. Surely nobody can find that interesting. After reading the brillancy that comes out of other young people's minds, I was feeling a little insecure.

However, after feeling a little silly about what I was doing on here, I realized that it really doesn't matter what other people think about what I'm writing. And if I don't have hundreds of followers, that's alright. I am doing this for me, because I have a passion for writing and I want to get my thoughts out of my head and onto na more tangible medium. While I can admire and praise other people's blogs, I should not let their success tgake away the satisfaction that I feel after posting an entry.

So there you go. I learned something this weekend, never thought that would happen.

I have more that I want to say, I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'll post again later :)

This part of my life is coming to an end.

I can feel the changes, they're creeping up so fast.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

Decisions must be made, and only I can make them.

No longer can I depend only on others to help me do what is right.

I have to do it myself. I'm about to be on my own.

Why is it then, that I'm not scared? Truthfully, I should be terrified right now. I mean, all that I've known for pretty much all of my life is about to change. I won't have the same routine, I won't do the same things, I won't even be living in the same house. I am totally a creature of habit; I get crabby when my routine is disturbed. So what the hell?

I should be freaking!

I don't get it. I need to figure out what is going inside my head. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

ADD moment - today is my ex's birthday. Eighteen years old. I kept thinking about his birthday last year. I mean, I went to house and had dinner with his family last year; it was all girlfriendy, and birthdayish and... I feel like I'm a different person now. I can't even really remember what I was thinking those days. Jarred has changed a lot too. In.. weird ways. I mean, it's his 18th and he doesn't want to go to the bar 'cause he wants to be all christian like and pure and all that jazz. Hah. Pure my ass. Whatever though man. It's his life, he can do what he wants with it. I am surprisingly okay with letting him go. He can do what he wants with his life; it no longer concerns me.

Wow. That feels good to write.

What a strange change in topic there.

So I attempted to draw a pin up girl today. I worked on it for about 2 hours and I couldn't get her face right. How does that happen? I could draw her whole body, her dress, and a table. But her silly little face just did not want to be drawn. Whatever. I will conquer her face; it'll happen.

Haha that sounded creepy. But it wasn't. I just want to draw her damn face.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school, ahhhh the excitement is consuming me. I have only 3 more diploma exams and then I'm done for good :D

But, alas, I must now to bed.

I'll write again soon.

the other day I heard that my boyfriend cheated on me. yeah, that was a load of shit.

it was just this rumor that his stupid little ex made up. ugh. why is it that ex girlfriends can never get along with current girlfriends? and even more shocking, why do they try to worm their way into your new relationship that has nothing to do with them?

sadly, these are not questions i do not have answers to. i've been that girl. well, no. i've felt like doing what that girl did to me, to us. this whole ordeal really made me step back. it's just... so petty. so absolutely immature and i'm really sorry that i've ever had mean thoughts like the ones that were obvisouly going through that girl's head.

anyways, the boy and i are fine. i called him, he said it was bogus, and i believed him.

i wonder if that was a mistake. i mean.. i trust him. and i think that i can believe him when he says something is totally ridiculous. i hope i'm doing the right thing :\

that's all for now. peace and love.

do you ever wonder if you were put onto

Earth to do something meaningful?

♥

the boy brought me a slurpee at work today. isn't it strange how those short moments that seem so unimportant and fleeting, like they have no meaing in life at all, make you smile? it's moments like that one that make life worth living.
we sat on the tuperware bins in the back of the store and chilled. and i was happy. it was just... an amzing moment. it makes me wonder if it was what i was doing, or who i was with.
i have a feeling it was alllll the wonderful boy that i was sitting with, sharing stupid memories and joking around.

ackkkk. i don't want to do the whole infatuated teenage girl thing. go away feelings, you're scaring me!

" Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days don't have an impact on the course of a life. "

- - (500) Days of Summer

i graduated this weekend. i wore the silly cap, i wore the unflattering gown. i got my fake little diploma. and through it all, i could only think of my future. of getting out, of starting new. and while listening to the cliche speeches that come with graduation, thoughts of my aspirations filled my head.

i want to be know for what i write, for what i say.
i want to be someone. i want to help people.
i want to go to new york and hail a cab.
i want to sing karaoke in a trashy bar and have people cheer for me.
i want to love, to be loved.
i want to be real, always.
i want to get a pair of really high leoaord print shoes and learn how to walk in them.
i want to debate, talk about politics, discuss my views on religion.
i want to take charge of my own life.
i want to get a tattoo - not because that's the thing to do, but because i want to.
i want to draw. i want to paint. i want to make art that makes people notice.
i want to date a musician.
i want to get a story of mine published in national geographic.
i want to become a vegetarian. (yeah, that one will never happen.)
i want to be me.

it's quite the daunting list. and i could have kept going forever! i am in control of my own destiny, and i can change the world, if i only put my mind to it.
i feel as though my future is bright; i just need to stop talking and thinking about it, and DO SOMETHING about who i want to be.
that starts now.

It smells like spring :)

Today it was absolutely gorgeous outside, I could barely handle it. I am so so excited for spring, and even better yet, summer. Being young and free and LEGAL. It's going to be fantastic.

Last night I went to go see Alice in Wonderland. It was soo good. I am actually kidna surprised by how much I liked it. I really wasn't expecting to love it, but I totally did and I want to see it again even! Haha crazy, I know.

Anyway. After the movie, I went to Tim Hortons with Thomi, Derek, Dylan and Jarred. Yahoooooo. I love hanging out with Thomasss, she's hilarious and great. We then journeyed to Jarred's house and watched the absolute worst kung fu movie I have ever seen. It was actually more ridiculous than anything I have ever seen. I don't remember the name, but but involved an "Axe Gang" and it was just.. haha soo stupid. God. I don't know how people even come up with that kind of stuff.

Anyways, the last couple of days have been grand. I had to write or else I would be breaking my promise to myself, but I'm not that inspired now haha so I'll write again soon.

Peace and love :)

Oh, the shame.

So, I officially suck at the whole writing a blog thing.
Darn it.

Honestly, I hve many excuses that I could use, but the thing is that I've had a bad case of writers block for a while now. I think it comes with being so busy that I barely have time to sleep, and stressing about my future and all that. But, I need to stop those shennanigans! I must write more.

This is going to be my very, very late new years resolution... I will write in my blog. At least once every two weeks. That should be do-able, right? Right.

Well, I have so many things that I haven't written in here that it's a bit overwhelming. Lets start with... the boy situation. Jarred broke up with me in late November. What crazy times those were. There I was, 17 years old, being a fairly normal teenager, and he pulls the religion card. I've never been very religious. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't believe in God and that I don't want to have a relationship with him. I just haven't been practicing a religion since I was born, because my parents believe in letting me make my own decisions about important things like that (which I think is fantstic, by the way). Anyways... Jarred broke up with me because I am not Christian. It was just... so very unexpected. And difficult. I mean, it's not like this was a nothing relationship. Jarred and I dated for 14 months, which is a pretty big deal. In my opinion anyways. So, there I was, in the middle of the first semester of Grade 12, and my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn't the correct religion. WOWZA. That's all I've got to say about that one.

I must admit, the break-up was difficult for me because of losing my best friend and boyfriend, but also because I realized that I really wasn't as independant than I always thought. I was crushed. It was ridiculous. Nearly all of the teeny-bopper books that I read have heartbreak and stupid high school drama in them, and I always thought they were stupid, that I would be above all of that if it ever happened to me. Ha. What a joke. I was a wreck. And that made me angry. With myself, with Jarred, with almost everyone in my life. Whew. It was a tough couple months. I still struggle with it some days, to tell the truth. But I feel so much better. I feel healthier, and like I can really depend on myself now. It's a good feeling. As for boys... I've made a pact with myself to NOT do any serious dating until I'm actually mature enough to handle it. High school dating is supposed to be fun, not all serious! So that's where that stands.

I've been crazy busy with school in the last few months as well. Well, the last month really. This semester I'm taking Bio, Art, Chem and Social. And I'm also doing French 30 by correspondance because I was too ridiculous to do it last semester, ugh. So, I'm clearly busy with a lot of homework. And it's really tough after how slack my last semester was, but I'm almost... enjoying it. Just because it feels like what next year will probably be like, which is exciting! And also because this is my last semester of high school and I'm just SO excited to be done and gone.

Which brings me to another subject! In the last month, I got conditional acceptance for Red Deer College, early admission to University of Alberta, and I just scheduled an interview with a Mount Royal representative. Who knew that school comes with interviews and all that? So I'm hoping taht I'll be accepted to Mount Royal as well, just so that my options are open. I really would like to go to U of A though, so as long as I keep my grades up, I'm golden. I think I should be fine, since I have lots of courses that are considered "Arts" courses, which is important when you apply to be accepted into the faculty of arts. Anyways, it's all very exciting and I'm so happy and just can't wait for September! I will hopefully live in residence for the first year, so that will be an adventure. I'm super excited.

Well, there is much more. But I'm out of inspiration for now. I'll write again later!
:)

Oops, it's been a while...

Sorry about taking so long to write again. Life has been quite busy lately, but I know that's no excuse! I need to write, even when I'm busy. I'll do better!

Alright, what have I been up to since I last wrote...
Oh, yes. I attended CSLC Lead the Stampede. It's the Canadian Student Leadership Conferene that is held each year, and this year it was in Olds, Alberta. I ended up going because I'm on my schools Student's Union, and I didn't go to ASLC (the alberta version) when the rest of the group did. It started last Tuesday and didn't end until the Saturday. This was.. September 22-26. Before I left, I was a bit worried.. this being my first year on Student's Union, and my first ever conference.. I was scared everyone was going to be preppy little goody goods. But when I got there, within the first probably 10 minutes I met some people who were really nice and seemed very.. real. Down to earth, kind, the whole bit. I was happy to find this and I realized that all of the people here were probably just like me. They probably all wanted to do something for the world, to make something of their life and make something good come out of their actions. It sounds so corny, but it's absolutely true. I loved it. Then we were put into our spirit groups, which was quite the experience.. our group was quite spirited to say the least. The tenacious tumbleweeds - I think the name says it all. Anyways, I clicked right away with a few people, so that was wonderful. Then the next day we had keynote speakers, workshops, everything.. It was just absolutely amazing. To learn that there are so many other people out there who think just like me, and want to do something to help! I just couldn't even believe it. I know that I keep saying this, but it's just how i feel. I loved feeling like I wasn't the only one, that there actually are other people out there that feel the same way. Anyways.. yes. It was a fantastic experience. I'll write more ion the speakers and everything later, I just want to touch on some other points here tonight :)

The day that I left for CSLC I got my French 30 information in the mail. Oh man, what a crazy course.. I was looking through the package the other day, with all the textbooks and workbooks and pages of stuff I have to do.. Haha I think it'll take a while for me to complete this course :P But that's alright. I'm excited to get my 30 level in a second language! It'll be quite the accomplishment. Hopefully I do quite well.

Oh, that brings me to the next thing I wanted to write about! This Friday in drama class a lady came in from U of A. She gave us a lot of good information, and I really learned a lot through her presentation. She mostly talked about drama, and getting your Bachelor of Arts of Bachelor of Fine Arts in Drama, but she had some other interesting things to say as well. Such as, the grade average last year for people entereing to get a Bachelor of Arts was only 75%, and they then lowered that to 70% because they had more room. That is just fantastic news for me. I plan on getting good grades this year, and hopefully getting an average of high 70's or low 80's, but this is just such a relief.. As long as all the people applying this year aren't extremely smart, then I should be in for sure! So yay :) It's rather exciting. At the same time though, I don't want to get too excited just in case I end up not getting in.. I think that'd be pretty terrible. So I won't think of it as a sure thing just yet!

On Monday I totally got a new car! I can't believe that I forgot to say this, oh my goodness! My Aunt's fiance's mother bought a new car and was going to give away her old one, so I got it! It's a 1990 Acura Integra. It's not the greatest thing, but I absolutely love it! It's so much better than my old car, you have no idea. It has a stereo, it has cruise, power windows, all that jazz! Oh and also AC :) So it's pretty much 18471389057105 times better than my Tempo. It's also mujch more attractive, so that's awesome. I'm just so glad about it! It needs an expensive part, but the way that I see it, as soon as that part is in it'll be ready to go, and that could be done right away, within the next couple of weeks, the next 2 weeks maybe? It's just soooo great. I've gone too long without transportation, it will be so nice to be able to get out of the house again every once in a while, without my parents having to drive everywhere.

Ahh, one more thing to talk about before I sign off. I am so, so, so excited for Halloween, it's almost a bit ridiculous. I've got 2 different costumes, I can't wait! The 29th of October is the dance at school, it's "the Night of the Livinf Dead". I came up with the name, no big deal haha. It's going to be so sweet. Holli and I got decorations last week, so it's going to be awesome decorating and putting everything up :) So for the dance I'm going to be a dead cheerleader haha woot woot! I'm thinking of getting a bloody knife to stick out of my chest, I think that'd be fantastic! Then for actual halloween (which I got off of work, unlike last year!) I'm going to be a dark fairy.. I have huge black wings and I'm going to do crazy makeup and all that. It's going to be amazing. I can't freaking wait! Holli and I and all of our crew are gouing to party it up, since halloween is on a saturday. It'll be great. The only bad thing is that I think I have to work the next day, cause I'm pretty sure that's my weekend to work.. But oh well! It's totally worth it haha I don't even really mind.

Okay, well I've been writing for ages, so I think I will go now. Ta ta! I'll write again soon, no worries.

music is my boyfriend, musiccccc is my girlfriend.

YO. I am addicted to listening to the same songs over and over and over again. Holy moly, I don't know how I live with it haha. You know what I love about songs? They totally bring back memories. I sometimes listen to a song that I haven't heard in a really long time and all that I can think about is who I was with/what I was doing the last time I listened to the song. It's SUPER intense. Well, I think so anyways. Um.. oh yes, the reason that I brought this up! It's cause last night Jarred and I picked another song to be "our song". Cheesy, but who cares? I like it. Our songs are I will follow you into the dark by Death Cab and I want to hold your hand by the Beatles. It's freakin' epic. Soooo, yeahh haha. Be jealous of me. :)

Hmm, this weekend I went to a party with some friends, and it was super crazy. Holli was DD and she drove a bunch of drunkies home (and I came with her because I'm a wonderful friend!). Anywho, these people were absolutely hammered. And or high. It was just ridiculous. These were the people who are CONSTANLY absolutely plastered, and yet they are the "cool kids". It makes me so mad! These kids had no idea which way was up.. they were going to a new party at 2 in the morning, and they obviously had no intention of going home anytime soon. People like that.. I don't see positive futures for them. The kids that skip school every single day, come to school high as a kite.. UGH! I just get so mad because they're messing up their futures and it seems as though they don't give a crap about it! Grr. It was just a very big eye-opener for me because I've never really seen people like that before.. I mean I have. But this just reinforced it for me I think.

ANYWAYS. Enough of that.

Today I had dinner at le boyfriends house.. haha that was fun times. I love his family. They're so similar to my family in some ways, but in other ways they are just completely different. I really like talking to them, just for a kind of.. different point of view I guess? Like today we had this big argument about chick flicks. Jarred and his Dad were totally against them, and all of us girls were totally for them. It was just so fun to get into a debate with them! It sounds to corny, but it's actually true haha.. I love being a part of his family, of being included in his day to day conversations. It's silly, but that's alright :)

Ack. I want to keep writing but I really need to go to bed. So I'll write again soon, don't worry!

PS. Things to write about soon :

• overview of my 19 day canoe trip
• night of the living dead! and other SU events
• my mother and how she is NEVER home :(
• stupid school dress code, and how it's freaking 30 degrees out these days!
• and some other stuff that I can't think of now :)

Ta ta for now!

Naps are my new best friend

The last couple days I have been napping every day when I get home from school 'cause I'm just wiped out. It's weird. And I can't decide if I like it haha. But life goes on.

Anywho, big fight with le boyfriend last night. Woot woot. I'm so mean when I'm mad. But it's all good, 'cause we talked everything out and now we're all fine and dandy! So, no harm done. And I've heard that when people don't argue then their relationship is flawed! So clearly, ours is fine haha.

Ooh. So today was the first unit exam in Math 30 Pure. Freakin' scary mang. It's kinda hard, but that's okay because this is potentially the LAST TIME that I'll take a math course, ever! Oh wow, that is so so so exciting. I've gotta do good in this though haha or else I won't get into my school :( and that would be 100% tragic.

I'm totally rambling about crazy random things. It's fantastic. Hmm. Oh I know what I should talk about.

This weekend I'm going to my friend Amanda's place for a little gathering. It's going to be amazing. Except some of my friends are kind of starting to piss me off. I mean, really, you're going to ditch all your friends to go to a party where there are going to be a bunch of drunk people everywhere just so that you can hook up with girls? That's just ridiculous. It bugs me so much when people are like that. So they must smarten up or I'll be forced to beat them. :) ANYWAYS, other than those shennanigans it's gonna be all good. I'm stoked to chill with my peeps haha. It's gonna be good times.

Alright well I'm not in the mood to write any more. So I'm going to sign off. Oh, and I'll write about my Wilderness trip later. I just don't have the stamina for that much writing right now :P So later alligators!

I can't believe I forgot to write about this..

In August, I went on a 19 day canoe trip. What an experience. Anyways, I won't write about it now. This will just act as a reminder for myself to write about it the next time I'm on here. So, look forward, phantom readers!

Musings on a scintillating day.

Today I had to get up at 5:30 in the morning for a Student's Union event. Great. The best part is that when I get there, the teacher supervisor yells and shouts about how I have to get moving. Like, really? I'm pretty sure that i showed an immense amount of dedication by showing up on time even though i live 1\2 an hour out of time. UGH!

But, not going to let it bring me down. I am confident, competent, and successful. So hah.

My parents and family members have been telling me that I should start writing articles and submit them to my almost-auntie, who is the owner of a local magazine. It would be monumentally freakin' amazing to be published, but, I'm kinda scared to do it. I don't even know why, but I totally am. I think that I'm just going to try and bite the bullet though. If I write a couple of articles and give them to Kim then maybe she'll publish them. If not, it's no hair off my back. Skin off my back? I don't remember how it's supposed to go. BUT, you get the gist. :)

So, this weekend is Jarred and my (grammar? ah who knows.) ONE YEAR ANNI. Yeah, I know. I can't freakin' believe it either. The weirdest part about it is knowing that in another year, I will (HOPEFULLY!) be off at U of A, starting a completely different life. It's just so... odd, you know? I mean, how many people really stay with their high school boyfriend in university? I think it'd be so hard to start over like I want to if I was still with him. But at the same time, I have no intention of losing contact with my best friends.. So what's my deal? Maybe I'm just scared 'cause a year is such a long time. I really don't know.

HAH. I love looking at facebook pictures and seeing people looking like demon babies. It really brightens up my day, 'cause if you can put pictures like that on the internet, where anyone can see it, you've gotta be pretty damn confident in yourself. And confidence is amazing :)

Alright. Oh, I was going to end my entry there, but I just realized I forgot to talk about my drama class! Well. My drama class is crazy. It's full of... unusuals, lets put it that way. The people who shower only occasionally, put deoderant on even more rarely, and don't really understand social cues. It's great. I love being in a class with so many of them because, as horrible as it sounds... I don't care about impressing them. No matter what I do, they will not care, because they do things a trillion times weirder. I'm sure some people would hate the class, 'cause there are a lot of people who aren't "cool", but I absolutely love it. It does help that I love drama class :) but that's alright haha. OH, and I'm also making new friends in the class. And my bestttters Holli is in it, so it's fantastic. Anyways, to sum up : drama class owns.

OKAY. I think that's enough writing now :) So, peace outt! I will write again soon.

PS. Did you notice that I didn't take a whole month to write again?! Yay, progress.

I am brutal at this blog thing..

When I started this blog, I was totally comitted, and I was going to write every day, or at least a couple times a week. Hah. So much for that, only 4 posts in, what... 5 months? Maybe more? But, that's alright.
I will do better this year!
Sooo much has happened since I last wrote here. First of all, I'm not even friends with a bunch of the people that I was ranting about in my last post. Funny how summer does that.
Honestly though, I don't een want to think about all that drama of the past. It's done with, and I'm so over dealing with it! Instead I'm going to concentrate on keeping my current friendships going, getting fantastic grades so that I can get into U of A and just being happy. I think that's what really needs to happen this year.

Oh! I also really want to work on my writing. And what better way to work on writing than to actually write? I think this blog will help this goal out rather nicely.
So, I'm just going to write my feelings down here, and possibly to-do lists and whatever else I feel like writing. I think it'll be quite fantastic.
Today I finished reading The Time Travellers Wife. Good god. I had no idea how sad it would be at the end. I absolutely loved the book, but jesus! I haven't cried that much beacuse of a book in AGES. Anyways, I would reccommend the book, it's so good. I would really like to see the movie now, but I think it'd be rather sad. Well, obviously, since the book is. But I just think that when you see real live people living horrible things out like that, it seems much worse than when you're reading it in a book. Maybe I'm just crazy.

So next Saturday my boyfriend and I will have been dating for a year. A WHOLE YEAR. I can't even believe it. It's so surreal, I can't even get it through my head. But yeah, it's pretty intense, I think. For high school anyway haha. I suppose out in the real world, a year is pretty much nothing.

Speaking of the real world... I am so unbelievably psyched to get out of silly little Innisfail and go live my life! I was stressing out all summer, thinking that my grades wouldn't be good enough to get into U of A, but I'm feeling a lot better about it now. Even with my crap grades last year, I still managed to get Honors and I also got the English 20 award. SO, that's good stuff! Especially since I want to get into an english program. Anywho, it's just quite a relief that last year didn't totally mess up my school stuff, cause I totally thought it had. I am just SO excited to go to U of A, and I totally don't want to have to go to RDC for a year first... it just seems like such a waste of time and money, especially considering that I wouldn't even be able to transfer any of the credits I got.

But, yeah. I'm just in a good place with life right now :) hopefully it stays that way for a while. I think I'm done for now, but I WILL remember to update again very soon. Don't worry.
Buh-byeee!

So tomorrow is the beginning of May long. I am so ridiculously excited, it's almost unhealthy. I can't freakin' wait to just get away and have fun for a bit, and not have to worry about any lame stuff like school or UGH, my friends.

Holli, also known as H, is coming with me. It's pretty hilarious 'cause the rest of our friends are all going in this co-ed, one tent, lets get drunk everynight camping trip. And surprisingly, I'm not even jealous of it. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that there is NO WAY that I could stand being with some of those people for 2 or 3 days. It jsut wouldn't work. I'd probably bust an artery or something by being too pissed off. Haha stuff like this just really makes me think.

I consider myself to be a pretty cool person. I mean, I know I can be annoying and all that jazz, but I feel like I'm a pretty alright person. But whenever I'm with some of these people, I can just feel my self-esteem going down. Honestly though, I've kinda always had that problem.
I always make friends with people who are more popular than me, or people who might say they're my friends, but they really just need people to be around them all the time.

Not this time though. I think I've hung around with people who make me feel like crap for long enough. You know that feeling when people are talking about inside jokes, just laughing away, and they never bother to explain what's so funny? And when you ask they never tell you anyways? Well, that's pretty much been usual for me. It's not cool. And it is going to stop. Either I'm going to make some new friends, or people are going to realize that they can't walk all over me anymore.

You know, reading over all the things that I've written here, I kinda sound like I have a horrible life or something. But I really don't. I think I should probably take the time to explain that. I have some really cool friends that I can tell just about anything to. Well, I have two of those kinda friends. H, and Amanda, lets call her A. You see, these two I can pretty much trust with anything. I know that they both care for me, and they're just really great. Not to mention the fact that they can make me laugh even when I feel like strangling several people at once.

I also have an amazing boyfriend. He'll be known as J. J is quite the character. We've been dating for almost 8 months, which is pretty freakin' long in teenage years. He's really great. I can talk to him about just about everything. It's so wonderful to have him in my life.

Anyways, I'm done writing now. I'll continue with my life story later haha. Ciao!

It never really ends, does it?

Well, I've learned a lot of new things lately.

I've discovered that when you just don't want to talk to someone anymore, if you're just sick of their behaviour and need to get away from them... There is really no way. My former "best friend" is one of those people. I'm just done with dealing with her. No longer do I want to have to put up with all her issues, and get nothing in return.
It's so ridiculous though, 'cause as soon as I stopped talking to her (although it was a gradual process) she decided to latch onto some of our mutual friends.. but ones who she continually said bad things about when we were friends. She always went on and on about how they were bitches, and two-faced, and all that jazz, and now she's right next to them, being extremely two-faced and fake. I know that it really shouldn't bother me, but it does.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning here. Like I need to get out of this town and start living my life. It's so frustrating to be stuck here, not able to change any of my problems because no matter what I do, people just turn it on me and make me feel like I'm the evil little coniving girl who has nothing better to do but hurt everyone. Ugh.

Lately I've been researching schools a lot. Well, one school. U of A. I want to go there, so so so much. I went on a tour there in.. April? The beginning of April I think. It was amazing there. It was so beautiful, and everyone seemed so happy to be there. We went to the Humanities wing or building or whatever it was, and it was just so nice. Everything was so open and welcoming. The people didn't stare, and there was such a large amount of people that clearly everyone wouldn't know everyone.

Oh man, just thinking about makes me anxious to go there. The thing is, I haven't really been doing that well in school lately. Well, in Bio. I just find it so difficult. It's so frustrating. It worries me 'cause i only have a month left of school, and then I'll be a senior. And that's when you really need to start cracking the whip and get good grades. I'm so scared that I won't get in. My whole life I've thoguht of myself as pretty smart. I always used to get good grades. I don't want my last two years to ruin the rest of my school year. It's just so scary to think about.

On the one hand, I'm totally stressed about my friends and all the ridiculous conflicts that are going on with them, but on the other hand, I really only have one more year that those are the biggest worries I'm going to have. I think I'm going to try and enjoy my life for as long as I can. God knows I could use some fun these days.