you're like a fever i can't break.

it's been way too long since i've posted, but life has honestly been a complete rollercoaster lately. i'll try and do better :)

and, i'm going to continue on with my monthly challenge, even though i havent posted in a looong ass time.

day o6. a picture of you from 2007.



this is back when i had short hair, i was kinda cute i think haha. i look really happy

i will post again later, promise :)

i stand corrected

Do you ever wonder what it is inside of you that makes you decide the things that you decide?
I wonder sometimes... where did I get this moral code that keeps me doing from kick-ass things, and why do I listen to it? Maybe when I think I'm doing something right, I'm actually being totally stupid and limiting myself because I'm actually scared.

I think that's the truth of it - I am scared. I am scared of doing something that people won't like, of being someone that people aren't appreciative of. And it worries me, because I want to be my own person, and do things for me, but I feel like sometimes it isn't een possible because I don't jknow where my thoughts are coming from... What I think is my opinion may be influenced by something else and I might make stupid decisions that have nothing to do with what I really want.

This probably doesn't even make sense.
I'm just confused... about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and why I'm not doing some other things. Ughhhh.

i fell into a burning ring of fiiiire.

No posts for a while - oops. Summer is busy, you know? I've been enjoying life.

Anyways, I must resume my daily post thing.

day o5. a website.

this is quite a strange one, as i have no idea what kind of website i should post. i've come up with this one : www.cutoutandkeep.com . it's a DIY website that has tons of DIY directions, from make it yourself dresses to alchoholic gummy bears. check it out :)

why would you lie about something dumb like that? why would you lie about anything at all.

Oops, I missed a day. What am I doing with my life.

Day o3.
What you did today.
(I'm going to write what I did yesterday because that was the day I was supposed to do it for, whoopsie daisy)
Yesterday I... slept in until about noon. Got up and had some cereal... Read an Isabel Allende novel for a few hours. Got ready for work, went to work... came home and talked to the boy and then went to sleep. Not too interesting haha.

Day o4.
A picture you took.


I chose this one because I really like it, and cause I have this weird obsession with clouds, so I thought this adequately represented me.

Haha. What a strange post. I'll be sure to post again when life gets interesting.

i need love, 'cause only love is true.

day o2.
the meaning behind your blog name.

The meaning behind my blog is... pretty much nothing, to tell the truth. My name is Gracia, which is kinda sorta similar to Grace. And I've always had a bit of an infatuation with the simple elegance and sophistication of people who are poised without effort. So, Casual Grace represents what I want for myself, what I'm striving for.

... Hopefully that makes sense :)

oh, your body will burn tonight, though your heart may still remain.

I'm going to do a blog entry each day for 30 days, following a set of questions/things to do. Starting today! :)

Day o1.
A recent picture of you and 5 random facts about yourself.



random fact o1.
I'm a huge book nerd. When I get a big paycheck, I treat myself by going to chapters and buying books. I've loved reading/books for pretty much as long as I can remember. I'm a very fast reader - I can get through a book in about 2 hours if I want to, depending on the size of course. Whenever I'm really upset and I feel like I'm going to explode, I pick up a book. They're my escape.

random fact 02.
I'm afraid of dogs. I've never really told anyone that, but it's true. Especially the jumpy, hyper, really excited ones. They just freak me out. But at the same time, I totally want one. I have issues.

random fact 03.
There aren't too many people that I feel really comfortable with. No, that's not right... there are many people that I feel comfortable with, I get along with people quite easily. But I always seem to be the person that isn't in the "inner group", if you know what I mean. I'm a bit of an outcast, and I always have been. I'm not too sure why. That's not to say that I don't have friends, because I do. I'm just not overly close with people because they seem to not like me as much as I like them. That sounds so pathetic! But I'm not complaining, that's just the way it is.

random fact 04.
I am in love with music. I listen to it constantly, and it makes me happy.

random fact 05.
I want to make a difference in the world. Stupid, 'cause everyone says that. But I actually do, I want to make a difference for someone who is hurting.

:)

you don't ask for no diamond rings, no delicate strings of pearls.

I officially want to marry Dallas Green.
It's not really a big deal or anything.

i just wanna waste some time with you.

Today was... absolutely amazing. I think that I'm actually falling for him. And, to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. I feel like me with him. I can do anything, say anything. Be the absolute loser that I am, and he still just smiles at me like I'm the most special thing he's ever seen.

I hate to be cheesey, and I don't want to put more importance on this relationship than it deserves, but... he makes me feel whole, complete. And that's not something that I want to lose. It's been almost 4 months. And as hard as I fight it, I can't deny that some serious feelings are taking hold of me.

I'm really scared. So, so scared that I'm deluding myself. That this is nothing more than a summer fling to him, and that when I move we'll just lose touch. God. I don't even know what to do about next year. I don't even want to think about it, I just want to enjoy what we have.

As scary as it is, I'm in love with how I feel.

butterflies in my tummy!

i always get nervous when people come over to my house. or when i go over to people's houses. isn't that strange? it's like i have this crazy anxiety when i'm out of my comfort zone. and it's annoying. i mean, it's something that i'm really trying to get over. but it doesn't seem to go away. no matter what i do!
i'm frustrated with myself. why can't i be one of those people who can do whatever they want?? ugh, being shy is lame.

i guess i'll just have to grin and bear it.

this is a friend of mine and i after our final high school exam lest thursday. her name is dakota and she's kinda the bomb.

next year she's going to be moving to edmonton to go to concordia (which is a christian college/university type deal). it's pretty exciting because that means that i'm not going to be totally alone in edmonton. and it's actually perfect, because i am absolutely opposed to being one of those people who don't make any new friends because they are too attatched to their old ones and are never away from them. but at the same time, it'll be nice to have someone to talk to who already knows me - and she's a good friend, so it'll just be lovely to have her around.

anyways, the other night we went to see letters from juliet. and i really enjoyed it; it was quite touching and it was all about true love, awww. however, i really didn't enjoy some of the lines. they were all cheesey and ridiculous! at one point he said something like ' i am truly, madly and deeply in love with you'. is that not the most ridiculous thing that you've ever heard?! honestly, if someone said that to me i would probably be flattered, but i would also be a little frightened. (just kidding, i just don't think it would be very legit!) so anyways, thinking this brought me to a conclusion.

no longer do i believe that some pretty words and a nice kiss is real love.

that's not to say that i don't believe in love, or that i don't enjoy hearing those lovely words! i just think that love should be felt. i am a big fan of the little things - i think small snippets of time in which no declarations of love are made but instead two people genuinely enjoy each others company are the moments that should be cherished, and are the real declarations of true love.

i am absolutely a romantic at heart. i am so infatuated with the idea of being in love. i am kinda vain (which comes with being a romantic in my opinion). i get so lost inside my imagination sometimes that i don't realize what is going on; this can be a real downside to being a dreamer and a romantic becacuse sometimes i think that while i'm sitting alone thinking of what i want to happen, i'm missing out on moments that i would never dream of. i feel very intensely. i listen to my heart a lot of the time.

all these things could be taken as either negatives or positives, i'm not sure which. it really depends on the day.

the real reason that i'm bringing all of this up is because i feel as though i'm finally coming into my own skin. there are so many things that i don't have figured out yet, but i'm also discovering so many things about myself every day. i've become extremely introspective - nah, i've probably always been that way. regardless; i'm changing, a lot. but i'm also staying that same. and it's so absolutely wonderful to be able to look at yourself and not feel lost, but rather feel as though you know who that person staring back at you is.

life is beautiful, and i want to cherish every moment.

Why hello there.

I haven't posted for a few days because I've been too busy reading other people's blogs and being insanely jealous of their skills. A few in particular caught my eye. There are a group of them in London who are absolutley brilliant - their blogs kept me occupied for hours, when I really should have been studying instead.

These girls are sophisticated and poised, and their writing is succint and to the point. One in particular, Carrie from Wishwishwish, has a wonderful blog. It is all about fashion, and is it ever interesting. She hails from London, where she's taking Fashion Design in school. It's just all so glamourous to me! Her life seems perfect, and she seems much older than her 19 years.

Reading these blogs made me a little unsure of what the point of my blog really is. I mean.. I don't have a theme, other than writing about my life. I became a little insecure; many of the words written here are just random musings that come from my brain, with very little censoring. Surely nobody can find that interesting. After reading the brillancy that comes out of other young people's minds, I was feeling a little insecure.

However, after feeling a little silly about what I was doing on here, I realized that it really doesn't matter what other people think about what I'm writing. And if I don't have hundreds of followers, that's alright. I am doing this for me, because I have a passion for writing and I want to get my thoughts out of my head and onto na more tangible medium. While I can admire and praise other people's blogs, I should not let their success tgake away the satisfaction that I feel after posting an entry.

So there you go. I learned something this weekend, never thought that would happen.

I have more that I want to say, I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'll post again later :)

This part of my life is coming to an end.

I can feel the changes, they're creeping up so fast.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

Decisions must be made, and only I can make them.

No longer can I depend only on others to help me do what is right.

I have to do it myself. I'm about to be on my own.

Why is it then, that I'm not scared? Truthfully, I should be terrified right now. I mean, all that I've known for pretty much all of my life is about to change. I won't have the same routine, I won't do the same things, I won't even be living in the same house. I am totally a creature of habit; I get crabby when my routine is disturbed. So what the hell?

I should be freaking!

I don't get it. I need to figure out what is going inside my head. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

ADD moment - today is my ex's birthday. Eighteen years old. I kept thinking about his birthday last year. I mean, I went to house and had dinner with his family last year; it was all girlfriendy, and birthdayish and... I feel like I'm a different person now. I can't even really remember what I was thinking those days. Jarred has changed a lot too. In.. weird ways. I mean, it's his 18th and he doesn't want to go to the bar 'cause he wants to be all christian like and pure and all that jazz. Hah. Pure my ass. Whatever though man. It's his life, he can do what he wants with it. I am surprisingly okay with letting him go. He can do what he wants with his life; it no longer concerns me.

Wow. That feels good to write.

What a strange change in topic there.

So I attempted to draw a pin up girl today. I worked on it for about 2 hours and I couldn't get her face right. How does that happen? I could draw her whole body, her dress, and a table. But her silly little face just did not want to be drawn. Whatever. I will conquer her face; it'll happen.

Haha that sounded creepy. But it wasn't. I just want to draw her damn face.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school, ahhhh the excitement is consuming me. I have only 3 more diploma exams and then I'm done for good :D

But, alas, I must now to bed.

I'll write again soon.

the other day I heard that my boyfriend cheated on me. yeah, that was a load of shit.

it was just this rumor that his stupid little ex made up. ugh. why is it that ex girlfriends can never get along with current girlfriends? and even more shocking, why do they try to worm their way into your new relationship that has nothing to do with them?

sadly, these are not questions i do not have answers to. i've been that girl. well, no. i've felt like doing what that girl did to me, to us. this whole ordeal really made me step back. it's just... so petty. so absolutely immature and i'm really sorry that i've ever had mean thoughts like the ones that were obvisouly going through that girl's head.

anyways, the boy and i are fine. i called him, he said it was bogus, and i believed him.

i wonder if that was a mistake. i mean.. i trust him. and i think that i can believe him when he says something is totally ridiculous. i hope i'm doing the right thing :\

that's all for now. peace and love.

do you ever wonder if you were put onto

Earth to do something meaningful?

♥

the boy brought me a slurpee at work today. isn't it strange how those short moments that seem so unimportant and fleeting, like they have no meaing in life at all, make you smile? it's moments like that one that make life worth living.
we sat on the tuperware bins in the back of the store and chilled. and i was happy. it was just... an amzing moment. it makes me wonder if it was what i was doing, or who i was with.
i have a feeling it was alllll the wonderful boy that i was sitting with, sharing stupid memories and joking around.

ackkkk. i don't want to do the whole infatuated teenage girl thing. go away feelings, you're scaring me!

" Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days don't have an impact on the course of a life. "

- - (500) Days of Summer

i graduated this weekend. i wore the silly cap, i wore the unflattering gown. i got my fake little diploma. and through it all, i could only think of my future. of getting out, of starting new. and while listening to the cliche speeches that come with graduation, thoughts of my aspirations filled my head.

i want to be know for what i write, for what i say.
i want to be someone. i want to help people.
i want to go to new york and hail a cab.
i want to sing karaoke in a trashy bar and have people cheer for me.
i want to love, to be loved.
i want to be real, always.
i want to get a pair of really high leoaord print shoes and learn how to walk in them.
i want to debate, talk about politics, discuss my views on religion.
i want to take charge of my own life.
i want to get a tattoo - not because that's the thing to do, but because i want to.
i want to draw. i want to paint. i want to make art that makes people notice.
i want to date a musician.
i want to get a story of mine published in national geographic.
i want to become a vegetarian. (yeah, that one will never happen.)
i want to be me.

it's quite the daunting list. and i could have kept going forever! i am in control of my own destiny, and i can change the world, if i only put my mind to it.
i feel as though my future is bright; i just need to stop talking and thinking about it, and DO SOMETHING about who i want to be.
that starts now.

It smells like spring :)

Today it was absolutely gorgeous outside, I could barely handle it. I am so so excited for spring, and even better yet, summer. Being young and free and LEGAL. It's going to be fantastic.

Last night I went to go see Alice in Wonderland. It was soo good. I am actually kidna surprised by how much I liked it. I really wasn't expecting to love it, but I totally did and I want to see it again even! Haha crazy, I know.

Anyway. After the movie, I went to Tim Hortons with Thomi, Derek, Dylan and Jarred. Yahoooooo. I love hanging out with Thomasss, she's hilarious and great. We then journeyed to Jarred's house and watched the absolute worst kung fu movie I have ever seen. It was actually more ridiculous than anything I have ever seen. I don't remember the name, but but involved an "Axe Gang" and it was just.. haha soo stupid. God. I don't know how people even come up with that kind of stuff.

Anyways, the last couple of days have been grand. I had to write or else I would be breaking my promise to myself, but I'm not that inspired now haha so I'll write again soon.

Peace and love :)

Oh, the shame.

So, I officially suck at the whole writing a blog thing.
Darn it.

Honestly, I hve many excuses that I could use, but the thing is that I've had a bad case of writers block for a while now. I think it comes with being so busy that I barely have time to sleep, and stressing about my future and all that. But, I need to stop those shennanigans! I must write more.

This is going to be my very, very late new years resolution... I will write in my blog. At least once every two weeks. That should be do-able, right? Right.

Well, I have so many things that I haven't written in here that it's a bit overwhelming. Lets start with... the boy situation. Jarred broke up with me in late November. What crazy times those were. There I was, 17 years old, being a fairly normal teenager, and he pulls the religion card. I've never been very religious. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't believe in God and that I don't want to have a relationship with him. I just haven't been practicing a religion since I was born, because my parents believe in letting me make my own decisions about important things like that (which I think is fantstic, by the way). Anyways... Jarred broke up with me because I am not Christian. It was just... so very unexpected. And difficult. I mean, it's not like this was a nothing relationship. Jarred and I dated for 14 months, which is a pretty big deal. In my opinion anyways. So, there I was, in the middle of the first semester of Grade 12, and my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn't the correct religion. WOWZA. That's all I've got to say about that one.

I must admit, the break-up was difficult for me because of losing my best friend and boyfriend, but also because I realized that I really wasn't as independant than I always thought. I was crushed. It was ridiculous. Nearly all of the teeny-bopper books that I read have heartbreak and stupid high school drama in them, and I always thought they were stupid, that I would be above all of that if it ever happened to me. Ha. What a joke. I was a wreck. And that made me angry. With myself, with Jarred, with almost everyone in my life. Whew. It was a tough couple months. I still struggle with it some days, to tell the truth. But I feel so much better. I feel healthier, and like I can really depend on myself now. It's a good feeling. As for boys... I've made a pact with myself to NOT do any serious dating until I'm actually mature enough to handle it. High school dating is supposed to be fun, not all serious! So that's where that stands.

I've been crazy busy with school in the last few months as well. Well, the last month really. This semester I'm taking Bio, Art, Chem and Social. And I'm also doing French 30 by correspondance because I was too ridiculous to do it last semester, ugh. So, I'm clearly busy with a lot of homework. And it's really tough after how slack my last semester was, but I'm almost... enjoying it. Just because it feels like what next year will probably be like, which is exciting! And also because this is my last semester of high school and I'm just SO excited to be done and gone.

Which brings me to another subject! In the last month, I got conditional acceptance for Red Deer College, early admission to University of Alberta, and I just scheduled an interview with a Mount Royal representative. Who knew that school comes with interviews and all that? So I'm hoping taht I'll be accepted to Mount Royal as well, just so that my options are open. I really would like to go to U of A though, so as long as I keep my grades up, I'm golden. I think I should be fine, since I have lots of courses that are considered "Arts" courses, which is important when you apply to be accepted into the faculty of arts. Anyways, it's all very exciting and I'm so happy and just can't wait for September! I will hopefully live in residence for the first year, so that will be an adventure. I'm super excited.

Well, there is much more. But I'm out of inspiration for now. I'll write again later!
:)